The decision no one wants

Last month, I wrote about my mother and her Alzheimer’s. I told of staying with her for four days while my dad took some time off and feeling blessed to have those precious days. As a long distance caregiver, I knew that each moment was fleeting and one of a kind.

Today, not two months later, my mother has declined to the point where we must place her in a long term care facility. I leave this Friday for Connecticut, where, according to the professionals, we must “trick” her into going.

Suffice it to say “therapeutic lying”, as it is termed in the professional arena, sounds good on paper and in practice -- when it is not your own parent. Perhaps if we were therapeutically lying about something more innocuous than taking her from her home of 43 years and placing her in an 11 by 11 foot room with strangers, it might feel better. I don’t know.

What I do know is that now that the $10,000 payment has been made; her physical, mental and emotional assessment has been completed; and her personal items have magically disappeared through my sister’s stealth movements (so we can put them in her new room), my father has dug his heels in and does not want to move her. I can’t blame him. Cold feet, guilt, denial, sadness, and grief. Perfectly normal emotions for a man who has spent his entire adult life with the woman he loves.

My sisters and I struggle to be respectful of my dad’s process and still do the right thing for our mother. And I struggle with my own emotions of sadness and grief.

I share this story with you for two reasons.

One, to encourage family members to access the resources of the Alzheimer’s Association and other organizations devoted to helping caregivers through this process. It’s easy to feel alone when this is happening in your family. Literature we received from the Alzheimer’s Association; support from A Place for Mom, a free elder care referral service; and logistical help and reassurance from the facility we chose for my mother have all helped make this nightmarish situation a little more bearable.

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I write this to encourage each and every one of you to fully enjoy today. As the old adage goes: “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift - that is why we call it the present.” Embrace the present you have with your loved ones.


Jennifer Bachman
Senior Projects Director